Oh, Look!

I dream of falling quite often. Standing on a precipice and then free falling. The terror I feel rushes through me, vertigo pulling at me as I flail, knowing death is waiting for me below. And I wake, alone and afraid and wondering what's wrong with me. The psychological interpretations are not lost on me and I've looked and looked for an answer, none of them clear or satisfying. Yet, lately there has been a change. Like a dog hiding from his master, I still reel with horror when I lose my balance, and I scream and try to clutch at anything near, and then, strangely I give in and accept that I will die. I look at my fingers and into the wind. The feeling of vertigo is there, but on the edge of pleasure, a sensation attaches itself to me and I begin to feel exhilarated.

There is a Buddhist koan that tells the story of a monk walking along a mountain path. Out of the bushes on his left a tiger rushes at him and he leaps into the chasm below. As he plunges to his death he grabs a sapling that is growing from the side of the cliff and hangs on. Beneath him is certain death on jagged rocks and above him is a hungry tiger who wants to eat him. He is considering these when he notices a strawberry bush with fruit on it growing beside the sapling. His fingers are beginning to slip as reaches out for the strawberry and eating it says, "Oh, what a delicious strawberry."