Numb Guy

I was twenty two when I decided to become a super hero. The hard part was trying to decide whether or not to wear a costume. I decided to go without simply because if you want to slink around in the dark in this city its probably better to do it without the tights. It also got rid of the necessity for a schtick and I really couldn't think of one anyway. The only other major problem was that I didn't have any powers. At first I wasn't too concerned but after awhile there wasn't a night that went by that I didn't wish I had super strength or a super brain or something. I've never been in great shape and I'm kind of dumb so I had to get by on my uncanny ability to improvise.

As I combed the city streets looking for good deeds to do I often came across a lost soul who needed help. If a guy was getting tossed by a couple of muggers I'd walk up and ask them what time it was and if they shouldn't be at home with their mammas. That would divert their attention long enough for their victim to get away but usually resulted in me getting dragged behind a car for awhile. Once I prevented an attack on a poor young girl walking home from somewhere. A car had stopped for directions and the perp had nearly succeeded in convincing the naive thing to get in and take him home. I stepped in front of the car and did the only thing I could at the time. I peed my pants, standing right there in the headlights and sure enough it scared the would be attacker into leaving. Luckily I'd been drinking all night long and I had no trouble with the stage fright, if you know what I mean.

Being a super hero isn't easy these days. I just celebrated my thirty-sixth birthday and I'm not as spry as I used to be. Two nights ago I had a bit of a seizure while I was trying to prevent a break-in over on Currie St. I spotted this guy drive up to a really nice house on the corner and knew right away that things didn't look right. I didn't have time to come up with a plan or anything so I just rushed him. This guy had nerve, though, and he barricaded himself in the house he was trying to rob. After hurting my shoulder trying to break down the door I went around to the back to jimmy a window but I got stuck on the fence and then began to feel a little funny. Oddly this worked out in my favour because my yelling woke the owners of the house and they called the cops. As they were helping me down off the fence and trying to find my pants, which must have fallen off in the heat of the moment, I noticed the perp standing in the crowd that had gathered to watch. I tried to alert the police but by then the pain in my head was too intense to talk. I couldn't believe how smooth that guy was. Just standing right there in plain sight. I'm needed more than ever.

My little episode turned out to be nothing. In fact its not the first time its happened. I pretty much have a standing reservation here, at the hospital. I know all the nurses by their names and look out for them while I can. They appreciate the effort. They tell me I might be around for a little longer this time because they can't figure out why my left arm is numb.
I was thinking I might have finally found my schtick. How many super heroes have that kind of secret weapon? I got Donald to punch me in the arm for an hour solid and I never felt a thing. Think about it. A super hero that can't be hurt. I'm even thinking about trying to find a cool costume.