"This is Karl"

Ah, summer in the city. After the usual early summer rush to kick some ass to the curb, things are settling down. The singles are still single and the couples have made it over the hump of another season, and can reflect on the near misses, privately and to themselves, of course. And then there are the 'new' couples to tend with.

Born out of the enthusiasm of a kid, two days before the end of the school year, the urge to over look the obvious pitfalls of beginning a new relationship trumps you and right there at the table is the new boyfriend. Suddenly everything said needs to be explained, but the eagerness of the new arrival to cement his connection works in opposition to understanding. I am the worst person to introduce your new boyfriend/girlfriend to. Admittedly, I'm too protective and suspicious to allow a good first impression to sway me. I also have a deadly conservative approach to etiquette and manners when it comes to diluting the gene pool my friends and I inhabit. Here's my top ten list of things to do and not to do when you meet your new girlfriend's friends:

1. Don't call anybody "Hoss"
2. If you have to grab somebody's ass make it your own.
3. She's told us everything, so don't try to make inside jokes.
4. Don't say things like, "Let's drop these losers."
5. Try not to tell jokes if you can't remember the punch line.
6. Don't out anybody. Maybe it's a secret.
7. Check the cave for bats every time you use the washroom.
8. Bring your own cigarettes.
9. Just buy one round of shots; you're not trying to get us drunk.
10. Keep in mind we all sat here a month ago, the last time we had to meet her 'new' boyfriend.


That's about it. Follow these rules and the evening should go over pretty well. Just remember that we all love her, and want her to be happy.

Ah, summer in the city.