Lower the Remote

At a time when the world seemed hollow to me, devoid of content, emotional connection and meaning, I prepared myself for a vision quest. I bought a bag of chips, a bottle of Coke, a pack of cigarettes and settled onto the couch. I opened my mind and began to surf channels, stopping randomly, allowing the brief messages I saw inscribed there to enter my mind and become part of a whole, which I presumed would stew and coagulate into cohesion.

Nothing of the sort happened and I began to wonder if maybe my methods were flawed. I got dressed and wandered into the heart of the city, hoping to see there the random acts of humanity seamlessly zip up into a meaningful unitard I could wear, like faith, into comprehension. Again, nothing. Although, a prostitute on Gladstone was pretty sure she could show me the ever loving face of God.

I got in the car and drove into the blackness that surrounds the city, blanketing our anxiety, the flashlight barely visible. The air was fresh, the stars glistened in the heat and I got lost near Arnprior when I missed the turn for highway 17. After turning too many times I gave up and let my intuition drive. My intuition got lost, too, and refused to speak to me anymore. I pulled over and decided to sleep until morning, knowing that pressing on without direction was foolish. I thought about that for awhile, then decided that maybe what I really needed was to drive straight at the unknown to see who would chicken out first, me or the world.

I left the car there, and set off into the woods. For three days I ate only berries. Unfortunately, I have no idea what kind of berry is safe. I learned quickly, however, which kind of leaves to use when the call of nature must be answered. The native Americans tell us that sleep is antithetical when pursuing a vision and so when I got tired I poked myself with a stick to stay awake. Sleep is like a woman who wants to know what you're thinking. It just won't leave you alone. In the end I fell asleep, ass in the air, face in the dirt, and dreamt I was a mechanic working on a car that had no motor. I looked under the hood, in the trunk and finally the glove box. No motor.

I woke on the couch, an empty bag of chips on my chest and the television glowing it's bluish green radiation at me. The pillow under my head was soggy with sweat and my hand was cramped around the empty bottle of Coke. 'All in a dream, the loading had begun.'

All in all, my first vision quest was a failure. I understand that I'm lost, can't find the engine, don't know which berries to eat and that my intuition is not transmitting, but I'm hopeful.

Next time I'll try milk and cookies.