What To Do With Your Free Time

This post features an excerpt from an interview I gave to 'Spilt Milk', a magazine published in Kansas after a recent appearance there.

Spilt Milk: I have to bring up something that we've been dying to ask you for a few months now. This has two parts and with your indulgence I want to explore your shameless self promotion and the sudden appearance of a number of nude photos of you that have been sent to various publications around the country.

M.A.Thompson: Shameless self promotion? I hardly think that I'm guilty of that.

S.M.: Oh, I don't know about that. Weren't you the one who paid to have your photo published on the side of milk cartons across three states as a missing child? There are seven separate civil suits pending against you, three in Kansas alone. You don't think of that as shameless self promotion?

M.A.: Look. First of all, it was a simple misunderstanding. I forgot to tell my mother I would be away for awhile and she tends to over react. It was nothing more than that.

S.M.: What about the counterfeit money with your face on it and the words 'look at me' that the federal government says is the basis for an ongoing investigation? Are you being indicted on counterfeiting charges?

M.A.: I'm sorry Brent, but I can't talk about that right now. Let me just add that the intensity with which my fans react to my appearances is sometimes a little too ferverent. What can I do?

S.M.: Well, that brings me then to the pictures of you that keep popping up every time you show up. I was sent three different photos myself, the last delivered a half hour before this interview began.

M.A.: Really? Do you have them with you? Again, Brent, I can't control the actions of a few crazed fans. They express their appreciation in ways which are sometimes not in accordance with local custom. I can't help that. Unfortunately, in my youth, I made a few errors in judgment and I have to live with the consequences.

S.M.: In your youth? Come on, the last one is of you doing a headstand in a motel ten minutes from here and the time is stamped on the front of it. It was taken two days ago.

M.A.: I don't know what to say, Brent, I guess I'll have to keep the blinds closed from now on.

S.M.: It must be a Canadian thing. Which brings me to another point. Why is it that no one I talked to in Canada had any idea who you are. What I mean is, exactly why am I doing an interview with you?

M.A.: Jesus, Brent, do I have to do your job for you? You called me. I'm afraid that's all the time I have for you now. I have other appointments this morning.

I'm hoping it will be in next month's issue. I will never get tired of yanking American chains.