The Valley Tour con't.

I'm really not happy about it but I may have to turn on the old gas stove. I left the windows open last night for some fresh air circulation and have been typing like mad to warm up. The problem is typing isn't really a very good aerobic activity. The coffee is helping somewhat.

I was born in Carleton Place some years ago, in the middle of an arctic storm that wiped out half the hydro service in Ontario. Candles were the only source of light as I made my entrance into the world. At first I mistook the doctor, parka up to the crown of his head, for God, but the cigarette hanging out of his mouth gave away his mortality (I'm pretty sure God doesn't smoke while delivering babies, or at all, for that matter). The nurses present were a little stunned by the shape of my head and the fact that I wasn't breathing. My mother likes to say that I was too clueless to breathe, but when they forced the issue I started bawling about the injustices of the world and I haven't quit yet.

I was back in Carleton Place this past weekend and apart from someone moving the hospital about seven blocks from where it was, things really haven't changed all that much. The Mississippi Hotel is a little more upscale than I remember but I'm sure you can still get drunk and into a fight if you want to. By the way if you're looking for second hand power tools try Howard's Pawn Shop. Chain saws? Hell yeah! Saw a great band at the Thirsty Moose called Retro Rockers, I think, and a fight at the Queens (don't go until 1:00 a.m. my guide told me), was encouraged to go home by the local police and noticed that the guys who hang out on the street at two in the morning looking for a date are the same guys who do it anywhere else. "Yeah, I'm drunk, but ready for love." As usual the Fabulous Bee couldn't resist tormenting them.

The scenery, however, is beautiful. The sky is wide and the stars bountiful. My guide is pretty cute too. If you get the chance go for the weekend. I think the room where I was born is now a museum, if you can find the friggin' hospital.